So one of the classes I took was an American Multicultural Studies class. We were supposed to learn about society/life in the US. Well my teacher I think was a closet psychologist and decided the best way to understand the United States was to understand ourselves better because we are part of this country. I found it a bit of a stretch, but I figure I would get weekly visits to a psychologist and God knows I probably needed them.
One thing that he emphasized was the need to embrace one's own shadows, the things that we bury and never want to be seen. We need to embrace not only our own shadows, but the shadows of our ancestors. The reason why my mother is a hard-ass is probably due to something happening in her past, and in the present her hard-assness makes me a part of who I am. Long story short, you are everything your ancestors were whether they like it or not...whether you like it or not. Figures I should accept my shadows. They're getting a bit cramped up.
Where should I start?
I guess I'll just accept the fact that I can be a perverted/overly sexual person. I don't think it is something to be ashamed of. I actually think it should be a celebration. Sex feels good. I LOVE hearing the sighs and quivers within someone's breath as I creep up every inch of his body. I love pleasing. I want him to moan, cum, close his eyes in a euphoric high of lust, or maybe love. Is that so bad? Not a day goes by that I don't touch myself. Not a week goes by that I don't watch porn.
I haven't had many sexual partners, and I celebrate that as well. I love sex, but I don't sell myself short....at least that's what I tell myself.
I remember the first time I felt a weird sexual feeling. I saw the cover of some VHS and it had Arnold Schwarzenegger and some actress entangled in bed sheets. I would look at it when my family wasn't around. I looked at it, and for some reason I touched myself. I realized that it tickled, and I loved it. I was probably 9.
Then I remember a time when I went to my Dad's friend's house. I had to use the restroom. Sat down, looked at the reading material I had to choose from, and saw my first porn magazine. I flipped through all the pages. Every single one. White, blonde, buxom, skinny ladies everywhere. I didn't want to leave the bathroom. When I did, I can't really explain it, but everything seemed too real, like I was seeing the world the way I shouldn't be seeing it at such a young age.
Damn. So many sexual experiences before I was a teenager. Experiences also included: touching myself while laying in the same bed as my cousin who told me to stop moving because she couldn't sleep, pretending to sleep but peeking my eyes open during parts of American Beauty, staying up late and watching HBO on mute, searching XXX on the internet and causing viruses to corrupt my mother's computer (though I felt like a badass trying to cover my tracks....terribly),etc etc et-fucking-c. These countless experiences got me to 22. Sure other eventful things happened in between 8-22, but I think that is for another time.
So this is a part of me...I can accept it. This lustful shadow that is constantly gyrating her hips, imagining the strokes, the licks the kisses. This is the shadow that longs to be desired like those white, blonde, buxom, skinny ladies in the bathroom. I'm wet just thinking about it. I am so tempted to say that I have a problem or that I have issues. Fuck that. There's NOTHING wrong with me. I just have to buy underwear at a faster pace than others. Good thing I have a job.
Sometimes I feel like there is two of me. Embodiment of a Gemini. There's the Me that I allow people to see, and then there is the Me behind the mask. A darker, more private, perverted and border-pushing Me. Should I let everyone see this part of me,or is this a part of me that I should keep for the special people? It's scary. Perhaps the actual goal is to not flaunt it but to just accept it. I shouldn't be ashamed. I shouldn't call the firing squad on myself. I should merely embrace it. Embrace me.....?
Songs on repeat as I wrote this. Don't judge.
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